Cash for Clumpers

Although it has its critics, the “cash for clunkers” program has been wildly successful. Congress set aside one billion dollars to encourage owners of old, gas-guzzling cars to trade them in for new, more efficient vehicles. The money is almost gone after less than a month, so Congress is set to extend the program.

What about a “cash for clumpers” program? A clumper treads clumsily and noisily around. Clumpers cluster together in a mass, gumming up the works. In other words, clumpers are poor performers.

Employers have struggled with poor performers forever. Human resources knows what to do. Fire the clumpers.

But that doesn’t happen. Employers are filled with clumpers. They’re friends of the boss, know how to work the system, threaten to sue, work for wimps.

With the recent recession-related layoffs, furloughs, and other cost cutting measures designed to eliminate employees, it seems the perfect time to deal with poor performers. Yet some employers still can’t do it. They’ll lay off a new, exurberant employee instead of a long-term employee who hasn’t hit a lick at a snake in decades.

Just as the owners of inefficient cars needed help from the government, so do employers with inefficient employees. In exchange for cash, an employer would ”exit” clumpers with the understanding that they never work again. Some money would have to be paid to the clumpers, of course, but we’ve spent hundreds of billions of dollars recently for things that make a lot less sense than a cash for clumpers program.

Think of the ultimate savings. Why, every workplace would hum with productivity. Teamwork would blossom. Every office and plant would be world-class.

HR would have nothing to do. Employment lawsuits would end. Wait a minute. Let’s not be hasty about this cash for clumpers program. Now that I think about it, cash for clumpers would be a clear case of age discrimination.