Corporate BS

Here’s the Corporate BS from December 21-31, so this takes you through the end of the year.

December 21 — airport test: A tool used in considering potential employees for a job, consisting of the single question “Could I stand to be stuck in an airport with this person during a seven-hour layover?”; if misused, may lead to hires who are charming and great to have a beer with, but who in actuality can’t really do their jobs.

December 22 — style: The way in which one behaves and expresses oneself; often a euphemism for out-and-out psychopathology, as in “What’s his personal style? Yelling asshole, ineffectual people pleaser, or micromanaging megalomaniacal maniac”; (note: administrative assistants don’t have “styles,” just bad attitudes).

December 23 — purple squirrel: High-level HR term for the ideal candidate who can increase revenue 110 percent, charm Wall Street, is a real looker, impeccably ethical, can manage effectively, etc., etc., etc. — in short, a fantasy, which, to their rare credit, HR folks have acknowledged by inventing an appropriately fantastical term.

December 24 — gross/net: The sad, depressing discrepancy between what you “make” and what you can physically deposit in your bank account; applies to paycheck, but even more dishearteningly to your bonus, which after taxes might buy you a few Tootsie Pops instead of paying off your oppressive credit-card debt or helping you replace your busted refrigerator.

December 25 — time stamp: An embedded electronic indicator of when a form of communication, such as an e-mail or phone message, was executed; a great way to let your boss or coworkers know you were in the office at 7 A.M. or worked until midnight, a common tactic employed by martyrs and ass kissers; while a time stamp will serve as evidence that you came in on the weekend, it is also a great way for you to be busted for coming in late when you don’t respond to an urgent 8:45 A.M. e-mail or phone call until 10:27, so keep in mind that it works both ways.

December 26 — benefit dinner: Elaborate, exclusive affairs, open to those who can afford the price ($10,000 and up per table); features an honoree who has the clout to force enough people to buy a table at the event out of professional obligation, do-gooders who enjoy a nice tuna tartare d’oeuvre if it will get them photographed for the society pages, and the few “privileged” worker bees who were invited at the last minute to fill up one of said tables; in the end, will be judged by the quality of the gift bag.

December 27 — upbeat person: A coworker or colleague who may at first seem like a breath of fresh air due to his or her ever-ready smile and positive demeanor, but who becomes more annoying, insincere, and shallow with every encounter, as you cannot trust someone who seems happy all the time; may be administrative assistants, secretaries, or support staff, who despite having demanding, difficult people as supervisors will never reveal the chaos they shield; God bless them.

December 28 — CFO: abbr. chief financial officer; the person who holds the purse strings at the top of the org chart and is in charge of overseeing all things money related; paid very well for doing a superboring job that’s also extremely stressful and, in the worst-case scenario, draws the attention of the Securities and Exchange Commission, in which case jail time may be involved; many employees may have no idea who the CFO is, but the CFO doesn’t have a problem with that, as long as he or she can have his or her own private jet.

December 29 — sexual harassment: The execution of unwanted sexual advances or remarks of a sexual nature, including many moves/utterances previously considered common behavior; not exclusive to men, trust me, there are plenty of ass-grabbing, innuendo-dropping, perved-out women in the workplace; for the most part, however, let’s remember that this is a speciality of guys steeped in the thick-necked frat boy mentality that pervades the corporate world; many perpetrators of sexual harassment will attend sensitivity training and sing its praises, then go back to the office and speak to their assistant’s rack during dictation.

December 30 — eyeballs: Web 2.0/marketing/techy way of saying “people,” as in how many visit your website or watch your tacky video; the really desperate may want to count eyeballs individually, as opposed to in pairs.

December 31 — dot-bomb: Cautionary, snarky epithet invoking the flameout of all those high-falutin’, venture capitalist-financial web ventures that spent a lot of marketing and advertising dollars touting services that offered blocks of concrete for sale online; verbal schadenfreude for all those who didn’t capitalize on the tech bubble, lost thousands when the bubble burst, or weren’t lucky enough to be 23 and hit a sweet spot in the employment market and cash out before things crashed and burned; hey, whatever helps you seep at night.