Corporate BS

Here’s the Corporate BS for November 23-29:

November 23 — executive as rock star: The myth, perpetuated by a manager’s underlings, that the boss is supercool, evidence of which may include long-past achievements such as being in a punk band, crossing the Atlantic in a canoe, doing acid, attending Wesleyan, etc.; a tactic used to obscure the exec’s complete immersion in the corporate milieu and seven-figure salary behind a facade of bohemianism; a persona largely reserved for men, who may liberally curse or make drug references as a way of reinforcing their bad-boy image and often have great hair and/or a hot wife.

November 24 — think outside the box: To disregard existing ideas, policies, solutions, etc., when addressing a challenge; a phrase invoked to an exhausted, overworked, and oppressed staff in a desperate attempt to generate creative answers to issues in an environment that discourages and punishes individual problem solving and creative thought; usually brought up when there is zero funding to finance any ideas; a trite a cliched phrase used to encourage employees to have ideas that are not trite and cliched.

November 25 — on your radar: To be aware of; employees will often say something is on their radar, which just means they know about it but they’re not doing anything about it; saying this to the boss is a good technique to get him or her off your back.

November 26 — IM: abbr. instant message; a method of communication that is even faster than e-mail; great time waster, long-distance bill reducer, and, until the top brass caught on, untraceable (note: sadly, no more, so watch it); ego-crushing downside: unlike e-mail, you can actually see if someone is “logged in” when you write to them, and therefore can tell if they’re ignoring you.

November 27 — status report: A regular update provided to the boss, which is essentially the same document week in and week out, because so little on it changes, ever.

November 28 — traveling with the boss: A special and very exhausting brand of business trip that requires you to be “on” and act as your work alter ego for an extended period of time; requires long periods of small talk during which the boss unwittingly makes you appreciate salary differentials as never before by confiding, “Next time you go to Paris, I’ll give you the name of the sweet hotel we stayed in. Very reasonable: about $500 a night.”

November 29 — orientation: Human Resources-led meeting, mandatory for all new employees, that consists of stuff you really need to know about working at a company (this is how you select health benefits and file claims), the things that might be nice to know (if you start to lose it, this is the EAP help line; the cafeteria is on the fourth floor), and things you could not care less about (rah-rah video or PowerPoint presentation celebrating the company’s global reach, leading position in the industry, diversity, awesome culture, etc.).