Corporate BS

Here’s the Corporate BS for October 19-25:

October 19 — no phone calls: A request in a job posting to refrain from contacting a hiring manager by phone; believe it or not, hiring managers really do mean it, so don’t get all eager beaver and try to reach them, unless you want to land in the circular file even sooner — like immediately.

October 20 — we’re talking to some other people: A phrase spoken by a potential employer during a job interview, usually at the end, which makes you feel like you’re being cheated on even though you’ve only had a half-hour conversation with the hiring manager; the equivalent of “I think we should see other people,” which means you’re breaking up/probably not geting the job — so let it go.

October 21 — that’s so funny: A remark made by an ass kisser in response to a supervisor’s unfunny joke, anecdote, or comment.

October 22 — point person: The individual who will be the actual receiver and dispenser of information on a project, but probably has very little decision-making power and so can be very hard to get an answer out of; the person you should avoid being at all costs, as it’s a pain in the ass and you’ll get blamed if anything goes wrong as a result of decisions you were not authorized to make.

October 23 — off-site: A gathering out of the office geared toward team-building and increased productivity, often led by a consultant; can be the corporate equivalent of family therapy, during which employees get to bitch about whatever they want or say how much they hate it when Deb says she’s “really busy” because it makes them feel unimportant; may involve activities in which you identify your communication style, take the Myers-Briggs test, or catch the weird accounts payable guy in a “trust fall” exercise.

October 24 — corporate communications: The department responsible for the company’s interface with the media, as well as the dissemination of information within the organization; generator of all the mass e-mails that you delete without reading and the promotional events and communications, such as the CEO’s rosy appearance on CNN/Charlie Rose and write-ups that proclaim them to be “vanguards” in Time and Businessweek, announcements regarding recent layoffs or mergers, any speech you hear, and the company newsletter/intranet site; peopled by PhDs in Corporate BS; do not trust or believe anything these people say.

October 25 — corporate roadkill: The poor suckers who have been hit by the Mack truck of progress or efficiency as a direct result of a merger, creation of a partnership, or rightsizing; employes who have worked for a company for 15 years will be cut loose, and, as with actual roadkill, no one will look back to see if they’re okay because no one has the time or inclination to deal with a rancid corpse on the corporate highway.