Bail Out the Cubs

President Bush, Secretary Paulson, Chairman Bernanke, and members of Congress have taken bold action to bail out Wall Street. They did it, of course, for the sake of Main Street.

We’ve got another crisis requiring a bold bailout. The Chicago Cubs haven’t won a World Series in 100 years.  This was to be their year. They won 97 games. They have five good starting pitchers, two of the best relievers in baseball, five sluggers who hit 20 or more home runs, some .300 hitters, and a deep bench.

Taking no chances, the Cubs nation — indeed, the entire nation– prayed, held vigils in memory of Harry Caray, and required the Bleacher Bums to do penance. They wore shirts bearing the names of Banks, Sandberg, Santo, and Williams. They ate Chicago style hot dogs prepared from the meat of religiously sacrificed billy goats. Reverse psychology was ultimately employed. Just as the Boston Red Sox broke the Curse of the Bambino four years ago, the Cubs were destined to break the Curse of the Billy Goat on the 100th anniversary of their last World Series victory.

But they didn’t. They lost 3-0 to the LA Dodgers in the division playoff. Cubs misery has again set in — not just in Chicago but all across the country. You think people are upset about the economy? It’s a blip on the radar compared to the Cubs’ crisis of hard luck.

So bail them out, Bud Selig. You bailed out the steroids cheaters. Now, bail out the forlorn good guys.

If the commish won’t do it, Mr. President (America’s First Fan), you do it with the help of Hank and Ben. Members of Congress will support you. They’ll do anything, particularly when we’re talking about America’s pastime. (USA, USA, USA, USA)

How would you do it? I don’t know, but you can obviously do anything you want, so just do it. This bailout would have a positive effect on the country. It would lift our spirits. A parade in Chicago. Unfurling the banner at Wrigley. Letting a billy goat run the bases. All underdogs — the unemployed, the broke, the foreclosed upon — would feel hope. Maybe, if we’re lucky, the New York Stock Exchange would close for a day. The North Siders aren’t just Main Street’s team, they’re the blue collars’ team, which would ensure the support of Obama and McCain.

Should the Dodgers, the Rays, the Red Sox, and the Phillies complain, tell them to “put country first.” If they say you can’t do this, say “Yes we can.” Finally, a bailout that makes sense. One for the ages.

1. 

   ACU Frank says:

   October 8, 2008 at 10:07 am

   John, your plan brings a tear to my eyes. If only McCain or Obama would have made this much sense last night!
2. 

   John Phillips says:

   October 9, 2008 at 9:56 am

   I’m crying, too.