Corporate BS

Here’s the Corporate BS for August 24-30:

August 24–thinking cap:  A quaint, teacherly metaphor for applying one’s full mental capacities to a problem, the use of which is tacit acknowledgment that most of the time people are walking around wearing their “I’m totally tuned out and coasting” cap.

August 25–collateral:  A mass of printed crap that you don’t need and will maybe never look at again but feel compelled to pick up at a conference or trade show because you need to at least feign an interest in what the competition is doing.

August 26–moving:  The act of transporting all the junk from your office or cube to another office or cube, sometimes prompting the cathartic destruction of lots of old files and projects you finally admit you’re never going to use or get around to, resulting in employees who can’t bear to throw anything away deploying their unwanted possessions in public areas so that other staffers will take it, in turn resulting in all the junk getting moved, just by new owners; bright spot: the company pays big guys to bring you boxes and haul them away to the new location.

August 27–bathroom:  The favored place for crying when humiliated by the boss or otherwise oppressed by the overwhelming sense that your life is sh** and you’re never going anywhere; venue for bizarre intragender female scolding regarding hygiene, expressed in the form of notes taped to the wall in the spirit of “Your mother does not work here”; a danger zone for supreme busting via openly bitching with a coworker only to have your boss emerge from a stall.

August 28–battery cell:  A productive employee who generates ideas and, due to the nature of a reporting structure, provides them to the boss, who then embraces the concepts and claims them as his or her own; very sci-fi–think Coma, The Matrix, or any cinematic portrayal of a helpless body in a pod delivering, against its will, some kind of sustenance to an oppressive entity via a tube.

August 29–put a stake in the ground:  To set limits with a client, customer, or coworker; code for “You jerk.  We know your habit of taking advantage of and overworking our staff, asking for heaven on a plate for a budget of $2.53, and changing your mind at the last minute while still demanding a superior product on time and below cost.  We’re not going to take it.  (But we’ll still deliver you a really nice cellophane gift basket full of chocolate, dried fruits, and nuts come holiday time.)”

August 30–bcc:  An option available in e-mail programs that allows people to “copy” others without detection by the main recipient; often a childish way of “telling” on someone, but it can be useful for busting someone who is being a total jerk to you–in which case it’s awesome; also, a helpful way to tell your boss “Um, can you step in here, because I don’t have the authority to rip this person a new one.  Thanks.”