Corporate BS

Here’s the Corporate BS for June 22-28:

June 22–nine to five:  Allegedly the hours of the work day, the only hours you are paid for; also, a really good 1980 movie with Dolly Parton making a surprisingly impressive turn as a secretary, Jane Fonda in big-ass glasses, and Lily Tomlin dressing up like Snow White (catchy title track; features scenes of boss torture; rent it).

June 23–no idea is a bad idea:  A deceptive phrase invoked in forums such as brainstorming sessions and workshops promoting a nonjudgmental atmosphere, which is disproved within 10 seconds when any idea being proposed is met with blank stares, sympathetic nods, awesome contempt, and the facilitator of the meeting saying “Great” and writing the suggestion down; pathetically easy trap for younger members of the workforce who actually believe it and have not yet learned what their more seasoned fellow attendees know all too well.

June 24–tone:  A mood that delusional executives think it’s their job to “set”; often paired with high-flying (and noticeably absent) ideals such as respect, tolerance, accountability, and collaboration.

June 25–toner:  A mysterious substance that a printer needs to make it work and yet rarely has, and the frequent absence of which requires calling an unavailable professional (What’s the deal with toner?  Isn’t it mission-critical?   And why aren’t there bushels of it lying around?)

June 26–top-heavy:  An organizational staff ratio that strongly favors management positions, which finds eight people looking at the big picture and doing nothing while simultaneously micromanaging and making more money than the two people who report to them and do all the work.

June 27–top of mind:  To be in the forefront of one’s thinking; a catchy phrase born for the sole purpose of using it to indicate a commitment that doesn’t exist or isn’t expected, e.g., “We will definitely keep this top of mind” or “I’d like you to keep this top of mind.”

June 28–total compensation:  The aggregate of factors such as base salary, benefits, and bonus, used primarily to distract employees from the actual amount of money they are being underpaid.